Ich Bin Ein Schotte

'I sell a lot of water,' said the Scottish driver I was talking to in the coach park. 'There's a secret to it. 1. Buy it for very little - I pay 12p a bottle. 2. Turn the heating up on the bus on a warm day. 3. After a few minutes have a swig from your own personal bottle, making sure all the passengers are watching you. Tell them how refreshing and good it is. 4. Sell as much as you like and with a good mark-up.'

The other drivers are full of good advice and information.

'Whatever you do,' said another driver. 'If you are driving in Germany - DON'T tell anyone you are English. They are still a bit iffy about English bus drivers. tell them you're Scottish.'

'Really?' I said looking surprised.

'No,really,' he went on. 'The last time I went, I was in a bar with three other drivers from Newcastle,Liverpool and London. The barmaid served me quickly all evening when I told her I was from Scotland. I advised the others not to say they were English. The Geordie said he was Scottish from the borders. The Liverpudlian also said he was Scottish and lived on an island well to the south. They were fine. The Cockney stupidly said he was English, from england's finest city and proud of it. She ignored him all evening. In fact it got worse and after three days of everyone being rude to him, he went home.'

Alles ist in Ordnung. Ich bin ein Schotte.

Nein.

Das ist nicht ganz richtig.

Ich bin halb Englisch und halb Schottisch.

Ich bin ein Betruger (a fraudster).

The Germans however have the best advice for all bus drivers, which I have always admired but never quite managed to comply with. They say - 'Fahre nie schneller als Dein Schutzengel fliegen kann.'

Never drive faster than your Guardian angel can fly.