Tuesday, 1 February 2011

Top 10 Sweets A Bus Driver Detests

Sweets are a bus driver's nightmare. They seem to get into every orifice of the bus and can be found in varying states of decay, years or decades lateer, depending on the age of the vintage bus. Here is a list of my worst:-

1. Any form of chewing gum or bubblegum.

When you are checking and untangling the seatbelts, some dear child has stuck one under the belt latch.

2. Any fruit chew or chewy sweet wrapped in paper.

They melt and a chemical reaction occurs where both the paper and the sugary sweet merge into some forms glutinous mulch.

3. Any long chews in hard to remove wrapper.

The children can only peel off tiny shards which they drop on the floor and leave the bus looking like the floor of a hamster cage.

4. Any hard mint.

The packet invariably rips and all the sweets tumble down the aisle to the footwell under the driver's seat, making a sound like the balls rotating in a lottery machine.

5.Any toffee.

They melt and merge nicely onto the seat covers.

6. Any form of lollie on a stick.

They are always invariably only half eaten and stuck somewhere.

7. Any chocolate

It again melts beautifully and gets everywhere when you attempt to clean it up.

8. Any dust, sherbert or powder.

When you walk on it, there is a noise like walking down a frosty woodland path in deepest winter.

9. Any gum

Not only do they melt, but they smell of vinegar and sweet petrol.

10. Any fried eggs, lips, milk bottles, berries, flowers, pigs, dogs etc

They are the cheapest there it means they are the most and by their innocent schmaltzy appearance, they do not look likely to cause the most hassle for a bus driver. They always seem to be half eaten. The pigs have their heads bitten off, the bottles are without their tops. One bite is enough, before the children go onto the next in their pick 'n mix.

I have now taken to carrying a bottle of liquid handrub. It's a temporary end to permanently sticky fingers and smelling like a sweet factory.

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