Hotel From Hell

Having dropped off in Merseyside, tomorrow morning I was due to pick up a school in York. So rather than go back up to the depot and come back down again at 4am, the boss thought it a better proposition to stay in a hotel.

The last time I stayed in a hotel, you may remember, the mating pigeons made such a noise, that sleep patterns were inconsistent. Tonight, it was just the constant nocturnal trucks passing along the dual carriageway outside my window.

I was knackered when I arrived. I just wanted to park the bus and fall into bed.

"You can't park there," said the garage attendant as he looked at me parking in one of the only practical places. "It's more than my job's worth. Try the Little Chef."

After much head scratching, I finally managed to squeeze the bus onto the pavement by the restaurant entrance. It was one of the revolutionary, new Little Chefs which had had a makeover following a less than complimentary programme by TV celebrity chef, Heston Blumenthal. The bus, parked by the front door ruined the contemporary and pristine eatery. I hoped he would not make a flying night time visit.

"Nah," said the waiter. "We 'aven't seen 'im since e done out this place."

The hotel was a shit hole.

Something had gone wrong with the staffing and as a result there was litter, leaves and mud strewn over the carpets. The doors had scratch marks as if someone had tried to jemmy them with a crowbar. My room had not been made up. There was litter in the bin from the last occupant, no soap, coffee or any of the basics. The sheets and the towels were of dubious freshness and the bathroom had been lightly cleaned, though the plugs and the extractor fans were grey with grime and did not look as if they had been cleaned for months. It was akin to one of the continental package tour hotels, where a family have taken a video camera and posted the results on the internet. You don't expect it in Britain.

But when you are tired, you are tired. Nothing seems to matter. The complaints can wait until the morning.