Tuesday, 12 October 2010

Peeing On The Public Highway

I live a sheltered life.

Another bus came zooming into the coach park and screeched to a halt, two spaces away from me. Engine still running, the doors opened and a large driver came tumbling down the steps, hand held firmly somewhere around his midriff. He ran waddled to the rear wheel of his bus, unzipped his flies and peed on it.

"Dinna worry, mate," he said, talking to me over his shoulder as he relieved himself, "it's perfectly legal." The river of liquid ran along the coach park between our buses and started steaming as it hit the cold air.

"What's legal," I replied.

"Peeing in public, of course. You are allowed to pee on the back wheel of your vehicle. Goes back to the olden days when the law stated a driver of a cart could get down off his cart and pee against his rear wheel, whilst still holding the reins."

"I had no idea," I said feebly.

"Two other times you should be aware of, when it's legal. One's pregnant women and the other's any children under 5. They're both allowed to pee."

"Gotta be the kerbside though and if they expose themselves then they will be done for causing offence or committing a nuisance or some other law."

He went on. "They can't, of course, pee the wheel on the opposite side to the kerbside."

"That's illegal, is it?", asked the other driver who had overheard the conversation.

"Nah, but it's likely they'll get run over."

If only life was so simple. In my case modesty forbids and besides, I am too tall a target for a passing policeman. If I am ever in desperation, I shall resort to the old bus driver trick of lowering yourself into a seat, out of view and fill an empty plastic bottle.

Well, that's what other drivers tell me they do.

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