Last Bus - The Inebriation Express

"I'm pissed," announced the woman in a slurred voice when she weaved her way onto the bus. "Guess how long I've been in the pub? Go on. Guess. Guess."

"I've no idea," I replied as politely as I could, looking at my watch and joyously thinking there was only 50 minutes of the shift to go.

"6 hours."

This was the last bus on the Vallium Run. This was no different from other Saturday nights. Passengers used to bus as a mode of transport to the pubs and clubs. In the centre of town there had been a parked fire engine and police car. There were several yellow jacketed personnel trying to yank the door of a car open. On one side of the street stood a group of distressed people, women holding babies and men with furrowed brows. On the other there were onlookers who had vacated the the pubs and were standing on the pavement, pints in hand, ghoulishly watching what was unfurling.

I have no idea what it was. It must have been dramatic for them to leave the warmth of the bar.

"I'm waiting for me boyfriend," the woman went on. "Hopefully he won't come and you can leave him behind."

He did come and a bizarre inebriated conversation occurred between them. At one stage I thought they were going to come to blows.

"So who's yer other boyfriend?" he began by asking her.

"Well he's not well. Not well in the head. He's just got back from being sanctioned."

"You mean sectioned."

"Yeah, wel no, dunno. No"

"Well then who the f***'s the other one?"

"Well 'e gets on the bus. He picks his nose. He's always picking his nose. It's not nice."

"I'm ganna see 'im the next time and f***ing ganna................."

"Well there's 'im too. The one who mows the lawn."

"What the f***, I'm ganna............." Fortunately the bus arrived at their stop. I opened the doors and looked out the side window, being unable to look at this well gone couple, for fear of losing my composure.

Behind me I heard a crash and two bumps as the woman's legs gave way and her bottom bounced heavily down the bus steps. She got up, supported by the boyfriend, smiled, tried to wave and fell over again.

"I love yer t'bits......" she said to him as they disappeared down the street.